by Stephen Leacock
A man called on me the other day with the idea of insuring my life. Now, I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. I have been insured a great many times, for about a month at a time, but have had no luck with it at all.
So I made up my mind that I would outwit this man at his own game. I let him talk straight ahead and encouraged him all I could, until he finally left me with a sheet of questions which I was to answer as an applicant. Now this was what I was waiting for; I had decided that, if that company wanted information about me, they should have it, and have the very best quality I could supply. So I spread the sheet of questions before me, and drew up a set of answers for them, which, I hoped, would settle for ever all doubts as to my eligibility for insurance.
- Question.–What is your age?
- Answer.–I can’t think.
- Q.–What is your chest measurement?
- A.–Nineteen inches.
- Q.–What is your chest expansion?
- A.–Half an inch.
- Q.–What is your height?
- A.–Six feet five, if erect, but less when I walk on all fours.
- Q.–Is your grandfather dead?
- A.–Practically.
- Q.–Cause of death, if dead?
- A.–Dipsomania, if dead.
- Q.–Is your father dead?
- A.–To the world.
- Q.–Cause of death?
- A.–Hydrophobia.
- Q.–Place of father’s residence?
- A.–Kentucky.
- Q.–What illness have you had?
- A.–As a child, consumption, leprosy, and water on the knee. As a man, whooping-cough, stomach-ache, and water on the brain.
- Q.–Have you any brothers?
- A.–Thirteen; all nearly dead.
- Q.–Are you aware of any habits or tendencies which might be expected to shorten your life?
- A.–I am aware. I drink, I smoke, I take morphine and vaseline. I swallow grape seeds and I hate exercise.
I thought when I had come to the end of that list that I had made a dead sure thing of it, and I posted the paper with a cheque for three months’ payment, feeling pretty confident of having the cheque sent back to me. I was a good deal surprised a few days later to receive the following letter from the company:
- “DEAR SIR,–We beg to acknowledge your letter of application and cheque for fifteen dollars. After a careful comparison of your case with the average modern standard, we are pleased to accept you as a first-class risk.”